Saturday, May 17, 2008

Destiny

23 . That is the number of days left till my 1st final exam paper. I've been thinking lately whether I've made the right choices in my life recently. Whether was it a mistake of me choosing chemical engineering as my major and leaving all good and bad things in my hometown. There is still a little regret in me that tells me that I should have decided to stay in Kuching instead. I haven't a clue why I chose Chemical Engineering and came all the way to Miri for it right now. It's like I've lost the purpose but still I've made my choice and will have to go with it. Now I feel really screwed. I don't have the support that I have when I was at home and also at the same time I have less pressure from the bad side of home. I miss my family and friends which now I realized that they were an important part of my life that made me feel happy and belonged. I failed to realize that when I was too busy thinking about the bad things in life. So, I guess my mum was right about not running away from our problems but to face them instead.

The best thing that I enjoyed most is taken away from me. I failed to put my basketball team together and I don't think we will be playing together again after today's last match. Maybe if things don't work out in a team, it just won't work no matter how you try to mend it. My feelings for the game suddenly faded away for the first time in my life during our game yesterday. We were all playing selfishly and the meaning of playing the game isn't there anymore. I just don't understand why people would be so afraid to lose to others where some people call Kiasu. I see people jawing at each other just to win and even playing dirty. What's the meaning of playing like that, I play the game for fun and I share the ball with my friends. We play a team game where we trust each other to make the shot, not by looking at their mistakes and playing selfishly by holding the ball to yourself and not passing. There is simply no chemistry in that. I'm sick of people telling me what to do and controlling me all the time. No matter in my life matters or my hobby, I find people taking advantage of who I am. They keep telling me what to do like they know what's right for me. I just listen to them cause I trust them that what they are telling me is just a way for me to improve myself but I'm so sick of people telling me what to do. I do better most of the time without people holding me back. I prefer being myself than what people want to see me as. I also noticed that people I'm studying with are very Kiasu and selfish. They keep everything to themselves and are unwilling to share what they know with others. It isn't like there is a class position where there is a top ten of students getting the best results in class like in high school. What is wrong with people nowadays? I'm only seeing this situation here and I can't imagine how this selfish people will turn out to be in the future.

As for my studies, I'm feeling useless as ever. With little help from my friends I'm currently struggling with my syllabus. I'm so empty headed now. Whatever results I got in the past like my 9A's in SPM was never enough for my Uncle who is sponsoring my studies since my dad left. I wonder how good of my results will I have to achieve for him to be satisfied about my studies. The 9A's I had for SPM are all thanks to my teachers and friends who help me out in high school and a little hard work from myself. It isn't because I was smart or had a mind for studying. It's not that at all but people always expects me to get results and thinks that I'm distracted by other things in life. He even lectured me that basketball wasn't important and I should stop wasting time playing ball. He doesn't even know how much basketball means to me. Basketball is like part of me that I enjoyed most. It isn't just a game, its a way for me to keep my mind of things and I enjoy that very much. Oh..crap..I'm so frustrated. Sometimes I wished I could stop thinking that much and give myself sometime to relax and stop worrying so much.

I've never taken the time to apologize for the wrong things I've done and I'm sorry to everybody that I've let down. So, if in the future anybody that I'm going to mention that I've offended, here are my apologies. I apologize to my parents that I didn't turn out to be the son that they had imagined I would be, my uncle who had so high expectations in me about my studies, my grandmother who I failed to call her even once since I was away from home, my SCS who I wasn't grateful enough for all the things he has done for me, my friends who I have offended, and to the other people in the world who I've might hurt or taken advantage of. So whatever comes will have to wait till my finals are over and I can't wait to feel home again.

2 comments:

~Josey~ said...

when you have your destiny set, just go with it..its part of life..try not to regret whatever the past is bcos you cant turn back time, what's important is that you realised & appreciate what's left & what the future might take you..:)

MAMAMIA said...

yo buddy,

looks like someone's having a difficult time.Cheer up joe.Think and Be positive.Everything will be all right.I know it is easier to be said than done.But you really have to suck it up and take it like a man.Having regrets is a normal thing.Even till this very day i regreted ever choosing Engineering as a way to life.I regret choosing swinburne, where actually the truth is mama's boy was not ready to spread his wings yet(TUMB SUCKER!).And now im stuck here with nothing else that matters anymore.

Dont stress buddy.You just have to get pass the next 4 weeks in the best way that you can and you'll be home in no time.Then all those days of missing home would feel so far away.By then i would be here.Everything will change but ill still be here.Even if i do end up studying abroad but ill still be here.I just wont leave(that's how big of a boulder i am). I have always thought something like this or similar would happen someday some how soon in the future. That you would somehow lose sense of direction and your purpose. That you would find things difficult as it is. Thats why i kept saying

"Never forget your goals and dreams. Never stop believing in yourself. You will find your way."
http://bp0.blogger.com/_-Xlp-sNwyAI/RqBBs3OrNdI/AAAAAAAABHs/caQi-w_uJYM/s1600-h/81.bmp

As for basketball, im sure things will turn out alright. People are just being people. They are self centered and they will always be like that. If we cant change them we have to start changing the way we look at things and our expectations, that people will always be people. ASSHOLES!!!

Be strong joe. another 3 weeks or less you will be home in no time.

May god bless you dear best friend.