Teammates & Friends
I'm Jonathan Goh, a 19 year old kid who had a really screwed up childhood. Kept this heartache deep in my heart for a very long time. Life was good in my early days as a kid. Looking back now I was a spoiled brat but i was just a kid. Then, when I was 11, my dad and mum migraded to the states. Me and my little brother was left behind with my Uncle and grandma. Back then, I could not understand much because I was just a spoiled kid. My mum eventually came back after a year because she then decided that she didn't want to leave her kids behind. Since then I've been living my life in two different worlds. One part of my world is living with my grandma and uncle and another part of my world is living with my mum and a so-called stepfather (SCS). Living with my grandma has never been easy, the environment was uncomfortable to live in. She has a bad mouth, gossiping, backstabbing, if I were to mention all her bad attitudes I can't finish mentioning them, she was always right even when she was wrong. It made myself unable to smile and I have been avoiding my grandma because I hated her. Quarrels frequently happened. She hated my mum and she used to criticised my mum in front of me. Besides that, we were disturbed by loan sharks and so on. Thats just half of my life. Living with my mum and my SCS has never been easy either. Me and my brother was kept strictly disciplined by him. From the eating table to how we acted, everything was controlled. Thats why I'm who I am now. We were scolded harshly if we did not stick to his rules. Nobody will know what we've been through those years. Quarrels happened, my mum was beaten, I was slapped, my brother was terrified, we were scared. We have been living in fear for those years. Then I started growing up, when I reached 16, I didn't want to stay with my mum and my SCS anymore. I was tired. I kept so much hate and fear in me that I could not stand it anymore. Unfortunately, life became worst living with my grandma. I became emotional when I was 17, I smashed an aquarium with my hand and my right hand has scars now. This scars will always remind me of what had happened in those years. It was a mistake, I simply could not control myself anymore. That wasn't my first time losing control, there were several times. Now I'm trying my best to change my life from being negative. This is'nt the life I want to live in. Nobody really understands me. I've been alone all this time. How would it be possible for anyone to understand me if not even my parents understands me. This pain I kept so long inside of me must be set free. If not I can't control myself emotionally. Playing basketball was one way for me to get rid of this misery, I loved the game and I felt good. I've always wondered why my dad had abandoned us. It has been 8 years since he left us. Never seen his face till now, not even a picture. My mum's life wasn't easy either. I understand that. As her son, I was willing to share her pain. She commited suicide before. What does this mean? I could have lost her if she was'nt sent to the hospital in time. I had to protect myself. No one could possibly understand the position I am in. I'm different from others, I simply can't describe. Trust me, you'll never want to live in my footsteps. Growing up, I wanted to leave everything behind and start a new life alone. I had my chance now. I'm away from everything in Kuching but somehow things didn't turn out to be what I thought it will be. Fear and pain is haunting me still. I can never run away from my problems. I must face them. I want to start anew, I want to be myself, I want to be a normal kid living a normal life, I want to leave my complicated life behind, I want to have friends to be with, I don't want to feel alone and stray away. I'm trying my best as possible but somehow its hard to change. I've always hope for answers from God but for this long period of time I can't seem to put my faith in him anymore. I've been living in hurt for too long. I'm trying. That's the way it is. I don't expect anyone to understand me, I have to solve this problem alone...
14 comments:
be joyful always, pray continually..
you're not the only one.. =D
You know Joe, i didnt go through what you have so i cant say i understand how it is or how its gonna be. But i can say you got your friends here in Kuching and there in Miri. We all got your back man. We got it the whole way. And please always remember, im ur best friend and you love me very much. Cheers.
hey there,
You may not know me cause yea, i don't know you either hahaha, was just randomly blog browsing and stumbled upon your blog. Your life its kinda interesting. Btw i am from Kuching too! :D
Well, i am also a blogger myself and i blogged about my life's misery and all that too. I too blog about my pass and sometime, i read back and just sigh... But i know what you mean by you don't expect anyone to understand how you feel or what situation your are at.
My life have not been all rainbows and sunshine too... Life is tough, but i find family and FRIENDS are very comforting. There are times i still feel depressed and yeah, just to get up and begin the day is sometime hard.
But you seemed determine and optimistic! and thats a good thing,you have a goal and a dream. well, life as they say is never fair. But we take it a step at a time and one day when you fulfill what your dreams are, you will be grateful that your harsh life had made you stronger than anyone else.
But of course its easier said than done.
Your not looking for advise and i am not here to advise you. All i am doing is just dropping by a comment on my thoughts and perspective.
Regarding beliefs i know how you feel,i dont know your christian or not but i feel discourage all the time! but at the end of the day i would still turn to Him for guidance i mean i still need a higher power to be my stone barrier and purpose for living. Too me friends as you mentioned too are just the best thing is the world. So with all this being said, i am sorry for writing such a long comment! haha i do it unconsciously haha
I wish you all the best in what you do and best of health! God Bless!
regards,
davin
hey joe.
first of all i wanna say congratulation with the two ball games you and ur team won. seems like you are on ur way on making history in curtin miri basketball life.u guys lost ur first game and from there u picked urselves up. Thats very inspiring.
Life is hard for everyone. As every person has their different degrees of difficulties.I cant say i understand what you went through or what is ahead because honestly i dont.but one thing is for sure, i will always be a friend that is always there. Ill push up all the way up and make sure u stand straight.
be brave and do not be afraid, joe. Face all your fears and stop running away. until you over come them, it will kept haunting u.
take your time over coming them.
i dont know what i believe, but i always tell people that i believe everything happens for a reason.that god gives us all these problems we face because he knows we can solve them, or else why would he give us all these heartach. You dont always see them for what they are. Problems are like stepping stones to get you across. and for every single time u overcome one problem it makes you stronger and tougher inside.it makes you human. and it makes you wiser.i remembered saying this when we (you me and kwang yang) were having our lunch break, one of those day during summer semester.
i know you have went through a very difficult life and im sorry that, as a fren, i cant do much to help or ease ur burden. i know you are strong for you are where u are today. you have qualities no other has.your kind, your strong and your independant.
i apologise for never caring enough. i never asked and i never wonder if you were okay or not...be strong for your mother and your bro...be by their sides no matter what happen...your brother said he would wanna be an engineer one day too...I wonder where he got that from.
This coming saturday would be a nice day. i think somehow i would end up in a church. and if i do end up in a church(which im certain that i will) i would praying for you.
thirty years down the road, a guy finds himself sitting on a bench at the backyard of his BIG house. Looks like he and his family would be having BBQ lunch that day. The sun was bright but not that bright and the wind was gently smooth. The sky was blue and the clouds were apart. Then he looks over his shoulder and saw his mother sitting on the table not too far away, carrying a little child in her arms. The little child has her fathers eyes and her mother's smile. She chuckled and blicked her eyes a little as swings her hand up and down innocently. Her uncle came close and set down a plate on the table. In it were layers and layers of BBQ pork meat, cooked. He went back to the stove again and flipped somemore. Then beyond him came a lovely lady who looked like christmass morning. And this lady looked over at the bench where her husband sat. their eyes met and she smiled a little,rubbed her stomach (that was now carrying the seed of womb of their love) and walked over to her mother in-law and talked to her while she sinks her hand onto her daughter's head.
well you see joe, thirty down the road, you lah that guy sitting on the bench. i better be the god father of your anak ah! wanna make go to my church! and i better be your best man during your wedding too!
the future is so far away. and while your coming to it, live life to the fullest and try to make it a memorable and happy one.
no matter what ill always be here for you bah. someday you will be slipping a rm4 in my jacket again after you have gotten better from a small fever.
im not going anywhere.and if im not strong enough to pull you through, you've got avery, kwang yang, eric, judieth, chang yieng, laura, johnson, jordan to pull you through. and sure enough, you've got your brother who loves you very much.We will always be here for you as your friends.
Took an oath we're gonna stick it out 'till the end.
i miss you very much joe.make sure you take good care of yourself or ill make sure i shove my barefoot up you skinny ass.
P/s: my english not good. Dont stone me.
"do not look back into the past and do not fear of the future"
these were your words, dont you forget them.i know i wont...
: )
halo...joe...so long din saw u liao..miss the time that we play the badminton together and meet at the skul...
before this i reli duno u much before this..but after reading this post i reli know ur situation.
i feel sorry to hear that...
joe, u must know that no matter what happen ....dun forget that u have a group of friends at kuching who are will always support u and beside u no matter what happen...
i believe that what have happen to u at the past u will nev er foget coz i believe that it reli hurt u a lot...but y not u juz start a new life to be a better jonathan...haha
the past juz let it pass... may be from that u know somethings...
joe, dun give up....we always be with u even though we are far from u...see avery so love u, keith so care u, eric say u are no alone, so start a new life...
wish to see u soon
always be joyful, rejoice, and i believe u can do it...jia you...
miss ya.........:) :)
hey pal.
Guess that it's the exact moment that i stumbled upon this post. It is always a blessing to be able to understand your inner life.
Perhaps i have never gone through the same hurts and experience as you did. Through this reading, i could feel the pain, the grudges, the hurt, the sorrow moment you have in those years.
That's why from outwards, you seem to be a quiet person. "Ren pu ke yi Mao xian". hehe..
Just wanna encourage you with a couple words. Whatever that we have been through, there's always a purpose behind God's plan. To build u up, to mature character. Different person face different ways for been matured.
Whether it's good or even worst. We just got to give thanks. Regardless of how hurt it may be. You have been molded and trained to be a better man.
Jeramiah 29:11 "For God has a plan, not to harm you, but to love you.."
think positive and stay positive, this is what i am trying to capture always. Rather than allow those negative thoughts to affect you, we should take it as a stepping stone to move on.
I strongly believe that your life experiences do make you a better and tougher man. I pray that i will.
Keep touch with your little brother. You have been through the hurts, and you know it's never tasted good. And as a big loving brother, you should be a positive impacter and salt and light to your little bro!. okies?
Will keep you in my prayer midst.
In Christ, johnson
and plus aldrin too.
hey joe, im so sorry that i cud never be enough of a fren to understand or at least make an effort to help u out. im so sorry joe.
Thank u all for ur encouragements. Really appreciate it. This words from u guys are the best I can have. Thank u all very much.
hey joe...sorry for the late comment..everyone asked me to read ur blog and i was so busy or no connection that onli now i reply it..
u know wad joe...this is da 2nd time i cried while reading your blog..seriously lo..i felt like a stupid for not knowing my fren..Sorry Joe..I can see that sometimes u had problem but I duno how to ask or help u..I m a failure as a fren..
I didnt know that you've been through that much..I cant never say i understand ur real situation and ur feelings..but while reading your blog,i roughly feel how you feel bcos i put myself into ur shoes..I know its really pain and hurt..and its not easy to walk through and stand up again..
Joe,u r really brave..if it were to be other people,they mite not b able to stand up..they will hate themself and their family and perhaps God for putting them in tat situation..Thank God that u dun feel that..We mite not b able to know u for it mite turned out to b a different Joe..
Life's funny..Everyone had a different life to live..it is all depending on how we lived it..God is the life giver..He had different plan for different people..He knows wad limit we had and will not give us too much that over our limit for He's the ONE that love us the most..Though He mite give us something thats tough,but He will guide us and walk with us..
The footprint story:
A man was walking along the seaside.At first, there was 2 pairs of footprints which indicates that Jesus walk by our side..Later,there's only a pair of footprints..you know why?
For Jesus is carrying us and walk with us..
Joe,you stil haf a bunch of buddies here in Kuching..we wil always support u..we love you and willingly wanna get through it wif u..
Joe,if God bring you to it,I am sure that He will bring you through it..
Miss ya..jux feel free to share whenever u feel like..we will willingly hear and accompany u..u r not alone!
Trust God and urself,You can Make it!!Gambateh.. ;p
hey... how's life in Miri... it's good that u pour out all ur past... i have no right to say i understand how u feel cuz i've never experienced that... but anyway, past is the past.. and we're living in the present so look foward and forget everything...
u will always have us as ur friends around u all the time...
i've always admired how strong u are physically and mentally... most kids with these problems turn rebellious but u dont...
joe's my best friend.
Aloha..
Dont try to dig me out of from ur memory,cuz u dunno me and vice versa.Haha..Juz somehow came across ur blog through some linky links.
Erm..What should i say now..
Eeeee...I can understand how u feel.My situation was juz simply almoST the same as yours.But..There's alil different and i should give glory to God is..My SCS is a nice guy.He didnt control me and my bro from head to toe and didnt torture my mum as well.
Yet,i truly understand how u feel.
U are tough,i'M tough too..In God's eyes..For we are still here in this world after all sorts of ups and downs.
U are great and so do i!In God's eyes..
Know what..I've been telling myself that God wont harm me anyhow.I believe the purpose for Him to give me such a tough situation is to train me into a tougher person so that i can face all sorts of challenges in my future bravely.
For me..Erm...
We just have to always be on the bright side.
U have all ur frieds around supporting and loving u.
Be stronger than ever!God will definately be very pleased for what u've done.Turn to Him if u met problems and hav no way to solve.Remember that He's ALWAYS by ur side.At every single minute.
Cheers and God bles..
Regards,
sarah
yoyo...dear xiao di....
nice to read ur blog
It let me know more abt u
what I wan to say is
there are always frensss beside u
And I am always here and willing to become ur listener if u have difficulties and willing to share with me...
I am a good listener indeed ^^haha
all the best to u ya...my fren
with lots of love.
Post a Comment